FUNNY PAGE!!!!!
JESUS IS WATCHING
A burglar got into a house one night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables. He again heard, "Jesus is watching you."
This time, he shone his light all over, and it rested on a parrot.
He asked, "Did you say that?"
The parrot admitted that it had. "I'm just trying to warn you, that's all."
The burglar said, "Warn me, huh? Who are you? What's your name?"
"Moses."
"Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
The bird answered, "I don't know; I guess the same folks who would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."
POLITICS AND KITTENS
Al Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box kid?"
The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."
Al Gore laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"
"Democrats," the child says. "Oh that's cute," Al Gore says and he runs off.
A couple of days later Al Gore is running with his buddy Bill Clinton and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead.
Al Gore says to Bill, "You gotta check this out" and they both jog over to the boy with the box.
Al Gore says, "Look in the box Bill, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Bill that kind of kittens they are."
The boy replies, "They're Republicans."
"Whoa!" Al Gore says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats. What's up?"
"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now."
THE HAMSTER AND THE FROG
A mangy looking guy walks into a very classy restaurant and orders a steak. The waitress says: "I'm sorry, but I don't think you can pay for your meal." The guy admits, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me my supper?"
The waitress, both curious and compassionate, says, "Only if what you show me isn't risque."
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the ground and it runs across the room, directly to a piano. The hamster then proceeds to climb up the piano, and starts playing Gershwin songs.
The waitress says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy sits back and enjoys a fine steak supper with all the trimmings.
Shortly thereafter, he asks the waitress, "Can I have a piece of that fine blueberry pie I see on the dessert cart over there?" "Only if you got another miracle up your sleeve", says the waitress. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the table, and the frog starts to sing up a storm!
A stranger from a nearby table runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the restaurant with dollar signs in his eyes and a big smile on his face.
The waitress says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions!"
"No", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
The Right Sign
An Amishman lived on a quiet, rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. It became so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these tourists driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about these drivers."
So the next day the sheriff had the county go out and put up a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING. Three days later, the Amishman again called the sheriff and said, "That sign didn't help a bit. They are still hitting my chickens."
So the next day, the county put up a sign that said: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
Again, no change. So the Amishman called and called, every day for three weeks. Finally, he told the sheriff, "Look, your signs are just not working. Mind if I put up one of my own?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, let's see if yours works better."
He was willing to agree to anything to get him to stop those daily calls. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the Amishman. After three weeks, he decided to call the Amishman and see how things were going.
"Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone.
The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go have a look at that sign. There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to the Amishman's house, and he saw the sign. It was on a whole sheet of plywood. Written in large, yellow letters were the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.
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THE END IS NEAR
Farmers Fred and Luke were fishing on the side of the road. They made a sign saying "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!," and showed it to each passing car.
One driver that passed didn't appreciate the sign and shouted, "Leave us alone you religious nuts!"
All of a sudden they heard a big splash.
Fred grinned at Luke. "Do you think we should just put up a sign that says: 'Bridge Out' instead?"
WANT TO GO TO HEAVEN
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."