FUNNY PAGE!!!!!
Enjoy some humor.....If you take life too serious you don't take God serious enough!
Husband Speak!
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means....
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
"It's a guy thing." Really means....
There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" Really means....
"Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really mean....
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
"Good idea." Really means....
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
"Have you lost weight?" Really means....
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
"My wife doesn't understand me." Really means....
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
"It would take too long to explain." Really means....
"I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means....
"The batteries in the remote are dead."
"I got a lot done." Really means....
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
"We're going to be late." Really means....
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"You cook just like my mother used to." Really means....
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means....
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear." Really means....
"Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means....
"I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me." Really means....
"You want me to stay awake."
"It's a really good movie." Really means....
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars."
"That's women's work." Really means....
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
Black and White
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
Seeing Eye Chihuahua
There's a guy with a Doberman Pincer and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pincer says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pincer says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pincer puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman Pincer says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pincer?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "hey why not?," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua!?"
Explaining Marriage
The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.
One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.
"Now do you understand?" he asked.
Instructiions
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
- On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
- On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
- On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
- Some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
- On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
- On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
- On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating
- On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body
- On Boot's CHILDREN's Cough Medicine
Do not drive car or operate machinery
- On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: may cause drowsiness
- On a kitchen knife:
Warning: Keep out of children.
- On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
- On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
- On Sainsbury's Peanuts
Warning: contains nuts
- On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
- On a chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"
First Football Game
A guy takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game he asked her how she liked the game.
"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand though why they were killing each other for 25 cents."
"What do you mean?"
"All they kept screaming was: Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"
Anger vs. Exasperation
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"
The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean."
With that, the father went to the telephone an dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?"
The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?"
"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something, and we annoyed him. Now watch . . ."
The father dialed the same number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father.
"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number, and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver was slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means."
He dialed the same number, and a violent voice roared, "HELLO!"
The father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"
